BLOODBATH...

During the week, before I take my daughters to school, I spend about 15 minutes feeding our pet Bearded Dragon, Cookie Monster.

Our mornings are naturally a bit hectic, due to the usual muss and fuss.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

But there is something about those 15 minutes I spend with Cookie Monster that takes me out of the chaos.

It provides me with a bit of serenity.

I don't know if it's the connection I have with the lizard, his calm demeanor or the opportunity to appreciate the wonders of nature.

Whatever it is, I'm truly grateful.

Today was different.

7:46 am

Out-Numbered - Hey buddy. Who's a hungry lizard?

Cookie Monster - no reply.

Out-Numbered - That's right. You are.

Cookie Monster - no reply.

Out-Numbered - How about Daddy gets you some crickets?

Cookie Monster - no reply.

Out-Numbered - I thought you'd like that.

Cookie Monster - no reply.

Out-Numbered - Yes you do.

I walk over to the plastic holding tank where I keep the crickets. There are four, 12 inch long tubes that rest inside the tank. The crickets hide in the tubes to escape the daylight. To make it easier to transfer the crickets from the holding tank into the lizard's terrarium, you remove one of the tubes and gently pat the top of the tube over the terrarium to force the crickets out the other end. Like a cricket slide of death.

Out-Numbered - There we go. Let's get you some breakfast.

I take out one of the tubes and carefully maneuver it over to the terrarium.

Out-Numbered - Here you go big guy.

One of the crickets escapes the tube and jumps to the floor.

Out-Numbered - Shit.

I hate bugs. They freak me out. I don't do well if they are not in a controlled environment.

Out-Numbered - Fuck. Get over here.

Distracted by the mini emergency, I forget about the tube I have in my hand and it drops to the floor.

Out-Numbered - Oh God.

About 100 crickets spill out into the guestroom.

Out-Numbered - Oh Fuck! HELP!!!

They fall like Pick-Up Sticks and begin to scatter, scurry and jump in every direction.

Out-Numbered - HELP!!!

I hear my daughters running toward the guestroom.

7 Year Old - What? What's the matter?

Out-Numbered - I DROPPED THE CRICKETS!!!

7 Year Old - Screams

3 Year Old - Mommy's gonna be angry.

Out-Numbered - Get her out of here.

3 Year Old - I wanna stay.

Out-Numbered - OUT! NOW!

7 Year Old - What should I do?

Out-Numbered - START STOMPING!

7 Year Old - WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?!

Out-Numbered - KILL THEM!!!

7 Year Old - Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

STOMP!

Out-Numbered - Over there!

STOMP!

7 Year Old - Where?

Out-Numbered - By the couch!

STOMP!

7 Year Old - AAAAAAHHHH! This is so disgusting!

STOMP!

3 Year Old - Ewwww.

Out-Numbered - I'm gonna get some paper towels.

7 Year Old - No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

STOMP!

3 Year Old - Pointing and jumping up and down. There's one!

7 Year Old - They're going under the couch!

3 Year Old - Mommy is going to be so mad at you Daddy.

STOMP!

Out-Numbered - Mommy is not going to know about this.

STOMP!

7 Year Old - YES SHE IS!

Out-Numbered - By the bathroom!

STOMP!

7 Year Old - I am so not happy right now.

Out-Numbered - I hear ya sister.

STOMP!

7 Year Old - I'm not your sister.

STOMP!

3 Year Old - I'M HER SISTER!

7 Year Old - GET OUT OF HERE!

STOMP!

Out-Numbered - Oh Brother.

3 Year Old - Brother?

And so it went. On and on and on, for what seemed like an eternity of sorts. What started out as a peaceful Monday morning, had quickly turned into a senseless massacre. Our guestroom, once a comfortable resting place for friends and loved ones to lay their weary heads, had now become a hollowed battleground, strewn with dismembered cricket limbs, spread across bloodstained, hardwood floors. This isn't what I wanted. Not like this. I shan't soon forget this cricket holocaust. How will I ever again find serenity in this room filled with the ghosts of these tiny little creatures?

I am so sorry...

STOMP!

Comments

  1. Homemaker ManSeptember 15, 2010 at 9:09 AM

    Sounds like a recipe for PTSD.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jen L.September 15, 2010 at 9:12 AM

    OH MY GOD, Jason. I am literally crying from laughing so hard. Bwwwwwaaaaahahahaha!!!

    Of course, this is just one of the many reasons I make Adam keep our 2 bearded dragons in the basement. If one of those mofo crickets escapes, it's an easier deal when you have to STOMP. LOLOL!

    Classic. Thanks for the hearty morning laughs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. MommyLovesStilettosSeptember 15, 2010 at 9:15 AM

    HAHAHAHA!!!! I love it. I don't like bugs either, but this story is hilarious :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. jdemottSeptember 15, 2010 at 10:04 AM

    We had an ant farm once. All was well, for a day or so. One morning at breakfast, the kids moved it to the table for a closer look. With no adult in the room, the youngest knocked it over and the lid popped off. Ants scurried all over the place. I came on the scene due to the screaming. A few swipes of a wet paper towel and the insect fugitive problem was solved. But, the kids weren't so happy with me. My daughter found three talented escapees on the floor and proudly "rescued" them. Back to prison they went. They managed to tunnel through the green goo that made their home, for a week, maybe two. When the second one died, I tossed it. Bugs were made to be food for lizards, preferably in the wild. Otherwise, I say stomp 'em.

    ReplyDelete
  5. JennSeptember 15, 2010 at 11:03 AM

    You just described my own personal hell:
    *Crickets
    *A 3 year old telling me I'm going to be in trouble for some shit I'm already NOT happy about
    *A lizardy thing
    *Crickets

    If this situation happened AT an actual Wal-Mart, that would be my definition of Hell. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Ask My Husband.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lynn from For Love or FunnySeptember 15, 2010 at 11:06 AM

    I have an urgent question: Did any cricket survive to "chirp" somewhere deep within the unreachable bowels of your home?

    ReplyDelete
  7. LaRene EllisSeptember 15, 2010 at 11:11 AM

    You reminded me of why I dislike bugs in the house.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The Panic RoomSeptember 15, 2010 at 11:15 AM

    Wait until PETA hears about this. You are in so much trouble.

    ReplyDelete
  9. CherylSeptember 15, 2010 at 11:38 AM

    Holy crap! I needed a good belly laugh this morning. Thank you for obliging. Sorry about the mess.

    ReplyDelete
  10. jbgSeptember 15, 2010 at 12:12 PM

    Kudos to being a card carrying male and openly admitting to hating crawly things. I knew this wasn't just a girl thing. The upside is you could manage to step on them, I can't even get that close.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anjanette YoungSeptember 15, 2010 at 1:03 PM

    Poor crickets...Good Luck? Not so much.

    Did Mom find out? I don't see how that wasn't the first thing out of the babes mouth when she got home, LOL...

    ReplyDelete
  12. My Bottle's Up!September 15, 2010 at 1:05 PM

    ::tears running down my cheeks::

    and not because i'm sad.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Plastic MancunianSeptember 15, 2010 at 4:55 PM

    Great post - and I hate insects too.

    It's a good job you don't have carpets in your guestroom ...

    :0)

    Cheers

    PM

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nicole M.September 15, 2010 at 10:46 PM

    Note to self: When suffering from a horrible cold with an even worse cough, do not read this blog.
    Laughter will cause an uncontrollable coughing fit leaving one unable to catch a single breath.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Mariann SimmsSeptember 16, 2010 at 9:56 AM

    They shouldn't be chirping - they usually sell the non-chirping kind as feeder crickets.

    You should get some cats. Cats will play with the crickets and then eat them. The added bonus is it's pretty fun to watch...provided you are NOT the cricket.

    We had two bearded dragons...ours didn't talk much, either. :)

    I can't believe you enlisted your two daughters in your massacre...you are so going to be busted later this week. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  16. UnknownSeptember 16, 2010 at 10:57 AM

    nice article...
    got sometime while cleaning up the educational toys.

    ReplyDelete
  17. JaysDadSeptember 16, 2010 at 7:39 PM

    I'm waiting to hear your sister's comments along with Rob's. They are not going to be happy either.

    ReplyDelete
  18. BloggerFatherSeptember 17, 2010 at 1:17 AM

    Hey, a bonding experience is a bonding experience. Yesterday my 2-year-old boy tried to catch a fly. Made me so proud...

    ReplyDelete
  19. EdenSkySeptember 18, 2010 at 11:02 PM

    Out-numbered indeed: 3 little girls against a swarm of terrifying crickets! Funny stuff, sir.

    ReplyDelete
  20. MomSeptember 19, 2010 at 6:42 PM

    Oh, no!
    Poor Jason!
    Did you get in trouble later?
    I can just imagine how high your blood pressure went during this chaos.
    Nevertheless, this made for a great story and some laughs.

    ReplyDelete
  21. WillSeptember 21, 2010 at 2:28 PM

    Hilarious. Literally lol. "Cricket holocaust" is so good.

    ReplyDelete

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