The Mexican Jumping Beans...

I think I'm losing my mind.

I'm sitting here at my computer, in my underwear, trying to write a simple, yet beautiful post, describing this conversation I had with my daughter about cancer and mortality and all I can hear is a cacophonous symphony made up of bad television, crickets, Mexican Jumping Beans and a cycling dishwasher, batting around an errant Tupperware.

My head is starting to pound.

Not throb.

POUND.

I want to tear my own face off. Like that movie, "Face Off".

The TV is so loud that I'm beginning to mix signals and words. My brain is confusing my thoughts about cancer and my daughter, with white, middle class, sexy vampires and Dove soap.

I look back over my shoulder at my wife. Of course she's fast asleep. I want to walk over to her and say,

"HEY! HOW'S YOUR SHOW?"

But I'm only a dick in my head.

I refrain.

I just lower the volume on the TV instead.

God Dammit!

Now I've got to contend with those crazy, fucking, Mexican Jumping Beans.

They're everywhere.

Flashback to the airport on the way to Disney World

3 Year Old - Daddy! Can I get those?

Out-Numbered - Get What?

3 Year Old - Those things.

Out-Numbered - You want Mexican Jumping Beans?

3 Year Old - What are Mexican Jumping Beans?

Out-Numbered - Those things.

3 Year Old - What do they do?

Out-Numbered - Jump.

3 Year Old - What are they?

Out-Numbered - Beans.

3 Year Old - YES!

Out-Numbered - Yes what?

3 Year Old - I want them.

Out-Numbered - Of course you do. Take one for your sister.

3 Year Old - YAY!

There's a little glass case of them on the coffee table behind me. I'm not sure what makes these fucking beans jump but they're jumping around like those creepy clowns on stilts, on pogo sticks.

There's another glass case full of them, hidden somewhere in the desk I'm sitting at. Like a ticking time bomb that never explodes.

I want it to explode and scatter my rubble halfway across the block.

But it won't.

I should only be so lucky.

God forbid I get rid of the Mexican Jumping Beans.

It wouldn't matter.

There's a tank full of lizard shit and crickets, the size of small possum, stalking my Bearded Dragon while it rests unknowingly on it's perch. I can hear those little fuckers from across the hall. I feel like I'm sitting on my front lawn.

Why is the lizard so calm? How can a lizard, surrounded by a chorus of crickets, still find serenity?

What's his secret? Bastard will never tell.

I'm gonna put the Mexican Jumping Beans in the lizard tank.

Maybe they'll annoy the fucking crickets...

Comments

  1. My wife must not hear well, because the TV always seems loud to me when she's watching, like now, in the next room, and I bet her eyes are closed. My kids make more noise than seem reasonable. Just this afternoon, riding in the car with all of them was cause for tension; why do they scream for no reason? Jumping beans twich from moth larvae inside them. Maybe the lizard is praying in there with the crickets. I'm convinced serenity is divinely granted.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've always wondered what the hell Mexican Jumping Beans really ARE. I mean, are they bugs? Or are they really beans? So bizarre.

    I hope you finally get to have the deep conversation with your daughter.

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  3. And that's why Mexican jumping beans have always freaked me the hell out.

    I think they're planning something.

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  4. Now that was annoying. At first I thought those were my own crickets. Ya never know when MJBs are going to go Rambo all over your ass.

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  5. jumping beans are seed pods that a flea larva has chewed through and is now comfortable nestled inside. When it gets hot or cold or uncomfortable they quickly snap their bodies to try to turn around. Basically, they are tiny maggots in a bean. It's gross. enjoy. :)

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  6. I can't believe you just got me to watch a video of Mexican jumping beans. You're good!

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  7. Wow, I've never seen those jumping beans before. How can you resist the temptation to twat them with a mallet to see if there is anything inside?

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  8. remember pop rocks? didn't a kid die from eating them?

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  9. If you put them in the freezer they get very quiet. Like...forever. Just saying.

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  10. All that noise would also drive me bananas.
    If it's any consolation, you can always find a quiet refuge, in your old room, which has been converted into the likes of a peaceful Bed & Breakfast haven. I won't charge you, and I'll even fix up a meal for you.

    Just a thought!

    ReplyDelete

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