Ass Wipe...

I'm pretty sure my best friend's Mom taught me how to wipe my ass.

As a matter of fact, I'm almost positive. The only thing that seems a bit odd, is that I met my best friend when I was 7.

7 years old seems a bit late in the game to first start learning how to wipe your own ass.

No?

But I can't for the life of me remember otherwise.

I still have a very vivid recollection of being trapped on the toilet in their house, embarrassed to ask for help. I remember yelling toward the half open door; "Can someone please wipe me?"

Man, what a fucking loser I was. Contrary to the beliefs of some that are close to me, I have indeed come a long way.

Since that day, I have asked for many a different thing but never again have I asked another human being to wipe my buttocks.

My oldest daughter is going in to the 4th grade. She's been wiping her own ass for quite some time. I'm very proud of her.

However, my little one will be starting Kindergarten in the fall and she's having a bit of trouble. I don't think it has anything to do with her rate of development. She seems to be excelling at her ABC's, puzzles and skipping. She's even started to ride a big girl bike. But she just hasn't quite been able to master the whole ass wiping thing.

My wife thinks her arms might be too short.

I think we've been too lazy to teach her.

You see, as a Dad, I believe it's my responsibility to teach my daughters certain things. For example:

The difference between a double minor and a five minute major.
The secret identities of Superheros.
How to set an ant on fire with a magnifying glass.
How to make a fart sound with your armpit.
How to make pretend you're sleeping when Mommy wants you to do something.

Out-Numbered - "It is not my job to teach her how to wipe her ass."

Wife - "Excuse me?"

Out-Numbered - "You heard me. I'm not doing it."

Wife - "Why is it my job to teach her how to wipe her ass?"

Out-Numbered - "Because she's a girl."

Wife - "And?"

Out-Numbered - "And you're a girl."

Wife - "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Out-Numbered - "It means anything that has to do with the vagina is your responsibility."

Wife - "Jason, you know she doesn't shit out of her vagina right?"

Out-Numbered - "Yes. I know she doesn't shit out of her vagina."

Wife - "So then what's your problem?"

Out-Numbered - "Her ass is too close to her vagina. I'm not taking any chances."

Wife - "You've got to be kidding me."

Out-Numbered - "I'm dead serious. Guys and girls wipe their asses differently."

Wife - "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Out-Numbered - "Don't they?"

Wife - "You sound like an idiot."

Out-Numbered - "All I'm saying is that I'm not going to be responsible for teaching her to wipe her ass the wrong way. I don't think I'm qualified."

Wife - "You're a loser."

Out-Numbered - "I agree."

Today my little baby went to the bathroom and never called for us to wipe her.

But she did call for us.

She called us in to the bathroom to tell us that she wiped her own butt.

All by herself.

At the age of 4. Not 7 like her old man.

She's not a loser...

Comments

  1. UnknownMay 7, 2011 at 9:50 AM

    Good for your little girl, and GOOD for you. I agree, it's your wife's job to teach the girl about stuff "down there." I have a son who is learning to use the potty, and it's about time to teach him the art of peeing while standing! I can't wait!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Redneck MommyMay 7, 2011 at 2:57 PM

    Sometimes I'm amazed your wife never kicks your ass.

    You are a lucky man.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMay 7, 2011 at 4:58 PM

    ...I don't remember ever not wiping my own ass...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Miss Perfect MistakeMay 7, 2011 at 5:15 PM

    Awww..I totally enjoyed the conversation between you and your wife...!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. ronnibunny72May 7, 2011 at 5:20 PM

    she does have short arms! we r funny when i read about us! YUV!

    ReplyDelete
  6. ChrisMay 8, 2011 at 11:34 PM

    Double Minor: A semi-serious infraction during a hockey game, sending the perpetrator to the penalty box for 4 minutes. Possibly less if the opposing team scores.

    Five Minute Major: The same infraction as above, committed by a member of the New York Rangers.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousMay 9, 2011 at 10:45 AM

    I love your wife.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Momo FaliMay 10, 2011 at 6:32 AM

    As I can attest because I do the laundry, I am apparently THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON WHO KNOWS HOW TO WIPE THEIR OWN ASS AROUND HERE.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Scary MommyMay 10, 2011 at 6:54 AM

    Reading this as I'm waiting for Ben to call me into the bathroom to wipe him. He's 5. But, I've seen the resulting undies when he tries himself. I'll gladly wipe til he's 18 just to never see that again.

    ReplyDelete
  10. MrsBlogAlotMay 10, 2011 at 3:02 PM

    My son is an 8 year old semi-wiper. He hates to do it more than anything and needless to say, does NOT do a great job. He also hates to clean his own butt with soap because it will get the soap all "dirty" and it just grosses him out.

    And I am not proud to announce that we spend more on laundry detergent than on any other household product.

    This proud mommy moment is not being brought to you by Tide (-:

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sarah FaderMay 12, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    Ass wiping is more difficult than it seems. I keep telling Ari "front to back" but there is still shit all over his penis. GRRR! I think I'll make Wil teach him the ways of keeping his penis clear of poop.

    There is an art to ass wiping, there is. I'm not looking forward to teaching my daughter to wipe her ass. Vagina + poop = scary.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Cool DadMay 13, 2011 at 12:57 PM

    I've been pondering when Cool Baby (3y) should learn to wipe himself. The 5:30am wake-up calls asking for a wipe are quite old at this point, but now I know I could have another 4 years of it. It's 2011 - shouldn't be there some kind of robot for this kind of thing?!

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's Copacetic Everything's JakeMay 22, 2011 at 10:47 PM

    I'm so glad your back!

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousDecember 8, 2011 at 5:18 PM

    come on you guys just teach them early enough and they will learn my son learned at 2yrs and now he is 12 and does a great job and my daughter learned at 2 1/2yrs and now she is 6yrs old and she is great at cleaning so what is so hard? when they make a poo mark in there underware then make them clean wash them out and see how fast they will learn come one moms we are smarter then these men what babies what if we were not around any more what would these little girls do then? If moms need to teach the girls then we will make the men teach the boys right I think that men just don't wont to do any with these kids it is always the mom to teach the boy and girls everything right moms bad daddy's but their are the good guys thank for all your help...A.A.B

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular Posts

Things That Suck About Having Kids... Part One

Image
Warning: Please do NOT read this post if you think your kids are perfect, if you are easily offended by inappropriate language or if you have a shitty sense of humor about your children. Continue reading only if you admit that your kids are annoying or that they have sucked at any point in time. I love being a dad. That much I can tell you. I can list a number of reasons that would support that statement but for now I choose not to. What happens to be on my mind lately is how much having kids can suck. I'm not saying that having children sucks all of the time but rather a majority of the time. I know that most parents think their kids are annoying. I know that most parents tend not to talk about this in public. I also know what parents think are annoying about their kids. How do I know this? Because I asked. This is only a small sampling of what you said: The fact that I have to fight with them to take a shower. They act like I am asking for a limb rather than just asking them to c...
Read more

The Reset Button...

Image
When you hear a baby crying, do you clench your teeth? Or do you listen until you hear the breath of life, exploding from its tiny lungs. Do you appreciate all that it is worth to you. Do you appreciate all that it is worth to it . When you see a person that needs help, do you turn away? Or do you extend your hand? When you feel overwhelmed by life, do you cry because you can't handle it on your own? Or do you laugh because you know you don't have to? Have you ever tried for just one day, to not judge anyone? Or anything? Life starts right now. Every single day. Over and over and over again. Just for today, wake up with a new set of eyes. Just for today, wake up with a new set of ears. Just for today, judge no one and help anyone. Just for today, give until it hurts. There are 365 days in a year and you only have to live them one at a time. Hit the reset button. It's not as hard as you might think.
Read more

The List...

Image
Men are simple creatures. We like steak and Doritos and tools. We don't like satin sheets or hairspray. We despise area rugs and/or tapestries and we absolutely loathe speed walking. We also like Football. We like to watch it uninterrupted on Sundays. And then this happens... Sunday afternoon 4:13pm. Two minutes before kickoff. Chargers VS Jaguars. Out-Numbered - All I ask is that you keep them upstairs until halftime. Wife - Fine. But I haven't had a moment to myself this whole weekend you know. Out-Numbered - I know. I love you. Wife - Whatever. Out-Numbered - Hey. Wife - Yes? Out-Numbered - Can you bring me some snacks? Wife - Go fuck yourself. Out-Numbered - Thanks Hon. She walks up the stairs. 3 Year Old - Daddy? Out-Numbered - Fuck me! Yes baby? 3 Year Old - Can you play supermarket with me? Out-Numbered - I'm sorry baby. Not right now. 3 Year Old - Why? Out-Numbered - Because Daddy is watching football. 3 Year Old - Can't you pause it? Out-Number...
Read more